🧭 THE ARCHIVES

Quote of the day

As the robot reaches for the sphere, a solid steel cage falls from the ceiling, trapping him. You can faintly hear his last words: "Whirr, buzz, click!" A cloud of smoke rising from beneath the cage confirms your fears about the fate of your brave mechanical friend.

-- Zork II

Factoid of the day

During development, the working title for The Witness was Invitation to Murder. Later, the title became, simply, Witness but Infocom's marketing firm Giardini/Russell felt that The Witness sounded more like a Raymond Chandler story.

*To keep yourself from being burned to a crisp by a fire-breathing dragon, just cast a *nitfol* spell. Oops. Make that a *gondar* spell.*
Dec 1985

New Zork Times, The, v3(3)

~2 minute read

Jul-Sep 1984

Ask Duffy

Dear Duffy:
Some of my friends in the playground told me that opening a disk drive while it's running can cause warts. Is this true?

–Worried About Warts

Dear Wart:
To answer your question, I went straight to an expert: Professor Humbick Q. Fiddleberry, Department Head of Harvard University's School of Dermatology and Computer Science. He claims there's absolutely no chance of getting warts from opening a disk drive – unless, of course, there's a frog inside it.

Dear Duffy:
There's a girl in my Science class who I really have a crush on. I invited her to my house to play Zork II on my TI-99. We had a really good time, but then her parents found out about it. They've seen "Wargames" and think that all computer hackers are dangerous criminals. What should we do?

–Not A Dangerous Criminal

Dear Not:
This is a common syndrome among parents. Explain to them, in an intelligent and mature way, that you are not going to blow up the world, and that Zork II is a harmless and educational pastime. If this doesn't work, get a lucrative job in the computer industry, start your own high-tech company, attract millions in venture capital, buy a huge estate in California, take lots of world cruises, get elected to an important government post, discover a cure for cancer, and write several best-selling novels. After that, her parents probably won't mind if she visits you to play Zork III.

Dear Duffy:
I recently discovered that my daughter has been visiting the home of a boy in her Science class to play computer games. My husband and I are terrified that they will accidentally break into some secret defense network and start World War III. We have told her to stop going there. Are we being overly protective?

–Nervous Mom

Dear Nerv:
You're doing exactly the right thing. The kid is probably some kind of dangerous Commie prevert. You should give his name to the FBI so they can stop him before it's too late. Also, if your home is near any major strategic nuclear targets, I'd start thinking about moving.

Dear Duffy:
I'm very worried about my parents. Lately, they spend all their time playing those mindless arcade games on our home computer. I've tried turning them on to my favorite Infocom games, like Planetfall and Enchanter, but they say they find them too difficult, and just keep playing Eggplant Kong. My dad used to be a news hound, and my mother loved the Times' crossword puzzle, but neither of them has picked up a newspaper for months! I'm worried about their brains turning to mush.

–Frantic Son

Dear Fran:
If your parents found other Infocom games too hard, maybe you should try giving them Seastalker. It's easier than the games you mentioned. Better hurry, though, before your parents start smoking, hanging around the local pool hall, and staying out late.

Dear Duffy:
Are you any relation to the Sgt. Duffy in Deadline and The Witness?

–Curious in Canada

Dear Can:
I'm not telling.

This article appeared in
New Zork Times, The
Jul-Sep 1984

These historical, out-of-print articles and literary works have been GNUSTOed onto InvisiClues.org for academic and research purposes.