Scorpion's Tale

Leather Goddesses of Phobos

Scorpia

WARNING! This article contains spoilers. Avert your eyes!

Brrrr! It's cold outside. Snow, sleet, icy winds: all that good stuff that comes around this time of year, freezing your fingers and chilling your bones. I love it. You, however, are looking a bit blue around the lips. Don't panic! I have just the thing to warm you up... what could be hotter on a cold winter's night than a little sex? (grin).

Actually, LGOP is pretty tame, even in lewd mode. Oh, there's a little making out here and there, but this is basically a fun game, a spoof of all the derring-do sci-fi adventure stories of the '30's, with a little touch of spice. And if you are in any way disturbed by the sexual motif, you can always play it at the 'tame' level, which will turn LGOP into a pretty straight-forward adventure.

So it's 1936, and you're sitting in Joe's Bar, a grubby dive located somewhere in Upper Sandusky, Ohio. At least the beer is a nickel a mug. With prices like that, you can tell this isn't premium stuff. Your bladder is telling you something, too, and you'd better answer that call of nature soon. After all, the game has to know if you're male or female.

It isn't long afterwards that green tentacles come out of the air and hustle you off to a cozy cell on Phobos. You've been kidnapped by the dreaded Leather Goddesses, to be a subject in their never-ending experiments to find a way of subjugating Earth and turning it into their personal pleasure grounds. Why, that is A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH!!!

Well, we (or at least you) can't let that happen! On the other hand, as you stand there in your tight-but-comfy brass bikini (for the ladies) or brass loincloth (for the gentlemen), the prospects are not heartening. But hey, this is the 1930's, and the good guys (and gals) always win!

Renewed by that thought, you leave your cell (psst, it's not locked), and soon find a trusty companion: Tiffany (if you're female) or Trent (if you're male). There is really no difference between them in the game; they both do and say pretty much the same thing. So I'll just refer to them as T from now on.

T will eventually hand you a matchbook, saying that if you can find the objects listed, they can be assembled into a Super-Duper Anti-LGOP Attack Machine. Wow! Just the thing! So you and T begin your zany journey, collecting some pretty bizarre items (a household blender, a rubber hose, a mouse, and a 1933 Ford headlight, among others), and having some pretty bizarre experiences, too.

Stepping through mysterious little black holes that seem to be everywhere, you flit among Mars, Venus, and Cleveland (Cleveland?) in your search for the parts to the machine. The interesting thing is that, generally, you can do the game in almost any order, since the black holes take you back and forth between locations. You can run around Mars for awhile, and then visit Venus, or go to Venus first: the game is fairly non-linear.

However, since you do have to make two trips to Venus, why don't we start from there? (Actually, if you know what you're doing and plan in advance, you can do all of Venus in one visit) The first thing you notice on arrival is the stalking Venus Fly-Trap.

Much larger than the common Terran variety, also much hungrier, and it moves... in YOUR direction. Ooops. What's a person to do? Well, there are two ways of dealing with the Flytrap. The easy way is to figure out the hidden message on the scrap of paper found in T's cell. You can get past the ambulatory vegetation right away with that. Otherwise, you'll have to come back later with a couple of things from Cleveland to help you out (I liked this way better, myself).

During your wanderings around and through the jungle, you'll come to the house of the Mad Scientist. But check out the back door first, where all the door-to-door salesmen are hanging out. One smart trade here will get you something very important. Then you can knock on the door and take part in yet another weird experiment. I mean, haven't you always wanted to be a gorilla?

No? Then you'd better do something about that. What you need is a little extra oomph, a quick pick-me-up. That's better (don't forget the hose!). Once you're free again, it's off to delightful, wonderful, rubble-strewn, sandy, Mars! Home of ruined castles, harems, catacombs, ugly frogs, and terrible dock jokes.

But don't be in a hurry to go barging off in the Royal Barge just yet; look around a bit first. For instance, there's that cute little marsmouse running around (where else) Hickory and Dickory Dock. And the frog: the ugliest, noisiest, smelliest, most repulsive thing you've ever seen. Kissing the frog is like getting a babel fish: hard work, but worth it (kinda) in the end. However, it will be awhile before you're ready for that.

And let us not overlook King Mitre, whose touch turns everything into 45-degree angles (including, alas, his daughter). Hint: don't shake hands with him. If you got past the Fly Trap earlier, you can help him right now, otherwise, wait until you're back from Cleveland (and Venus).

Speaking of Cleveland, it seems to be a pretty small place in 1936. At least the part you visit. A lawn of sorts, a teensy-weensy house, and a garden are about all you'll see. Oh, and the car, of course, that you notice when you look out the bedroom window. The 1933 Ford, which is just too far below to jump to. There's a sheet on the bed, but it's a bit too short (leave it to Steve Meretzky to short-sheet a bed!). However, you have everything you need right there in the room. In fact, the sheet is all you need.

Once you have the headlight, you can investigate the garden. Maybe you noticed that there didn't seem to be any of those ubiquitous black holes around? And there's another item here you may want, in case the Fly Trap is still running loose in the Venusian jungles. The object is mentioned, but it's not obvious. Read carefully.

Back on Venus (and with the Fly Trap disposed of) you'll find (if you didn't before) another black hole and a jar. Pay attention to the label on the jar. Then step through the hole, and you'll be in the hold of one of the LGOP attack ships. A grenade comes from nowhere! BOOM! Pieces of T are splattered all over the walls (nope, you can't avoid this, sorry).

After a moment of silence in memory of your brave companion, you remember that there is still the menace of the LGOP to consider, so you get on with the job. In time you make your way to the Main Hatch, and once outside the ship, you find Thorbala (if you're female) or Thorblast (if you're male), the nasty assassin who threw the grenade!

He/she has a prisoner (either male or female, depending on your own sex), who gets tied to the hull of a small space yacht when you appear. Now it's just between you and the assassin... and the bug-eyed monster who suddenly showed up, and is making for the helpless person bound to the yacht. Time is precious!! Will you defeat Thorbala/Thorblast in time to save the prisoner? Just remember this: the good guys (and gals!) always win... and they never kill an unarmed opponent.

With the rescue completed (and another machine part in your hot little hand), it's time to return to the ship (and a pleasant surprise) and then find your way back to Mars. You're about to take a delightful cruise down the Martian canals.

One of the charming sights you'll be seeing on this voyage is a dead alien and a secret message (get out your decoder rings!). Actually, if you read the comic book (a must!), you should have little trouble figuring out what it says. Then it's on your way again, perhaps with a quick look in at the Exit Shop (where the proprietor, alas, doesn't have change for a ten... sounds like a New York cabbie to me), and finally, MY Kinda Dock! where you will visit the forbidden harem of the Sultaness (or Sultan, as the case may be... by the way, did you ever notice that you can reach the barge controls while standing outside? Something to keep in mind).

Well, you get to visit the harem if you know the answer to the riddle. Trust me, folks: the answer is right there in front of you. Honest. Just look at your screen. It is so painfully obvious, you might miss it. Try not to.

Whew! Ok, you don't get eaten by tigers, but instead spend a delightful hour (if you want to) with one of the harem's 8000+ inmates. Which one is a matter of careful choice. Because only that particular husband (or wife) is the one who will show you the secret entrance to the catacombs.

Now the fun begins. Take out the map that came with the game... you'll never get through without it (and also re-read that comic book!). You'll have to slosh your way through the murky waters and dim passages until you've visited all those little square boxes on the map (going up and down at times between the two levels, too). Watch out for those crabs! Not to mention beetles and alligators.

There are two ways out (once you have everything you need): a ladder up to the Laundry Room, and a black hole that transports you back to the Royal Barge. I'd recommend the ladder for now, and the hole afterwards (less sloshing around down there, y'know). Besides, you also need that clothespin

So, now that you've (ahem) played at the palace, it's time to frolic in the snow at the Icy Dock. Hmm, just like winter here at the South Pole of Mars, and what would a South Pole be without penguins? And there they are, quite a few of them, in fact, plus one who's waving a sign in your face. It's a good idea to read that sign. Once past the penguins, you come to the robot gypsy camp. Alas, no sooner have they greeted you, then tragedy strikes... a meteoroid flashes down from the skies and vaporizes both of them. Now the poor little baby robot in the tent is an orphan (awwwwww).

Well, you can't just leave the poor little, err, thing all alone. By great good luck, however, there is (guess what?) an orphanage near by (there must be some divine hand behind all this, it couldn't be just mere coincidence). Still, you don't want to simply walk up to the door and knock; you might get a rude greeting. You're going to have to be a bit devious here. But remember, it's all in a good cause (not to mention, you don't have the facilities for taking care of the baby yourself, anyway).

Hey, get on move on! Time's a-wasting and you still have a frog to kiss, among other things, so head on to the black hole (they really ARE everywhere!). Back in the warmer climes of Mars again, you're ready for the big moment. You have (or should have) everything you need to kiss the ugly amphibian. So, prepare yourself, get ready, and... smooch.....

(sigh!) The Prince(ess) is obviously the love 'em and leave 'em type, but at least you have something to remember him/her by. And now, checking your inventory, you ought to have all the components for the machine. There is only one thing more to pick up, so float on down the canal to the Exit Shop, for that final black hole.

Where does it lead to, you may ask? To the very private boudoir of the Leather Goddesses themselves, that's where. But don't bother looking, because you're suddenly ejected out into the main plaza. And you're not alone (gulp!).

In fact, the entire attack force of the LGOP is after you! The fleet is swooping down from overhead! Robotic monsters of every description are stomping, chomping, and bulldozing their way right to you!! And the soldiers are setting up a (gasp!) Death Ray!!!

They're all closing in! Will T complete the Anti- LGOP machine in time? Will it work?? Will Earth be saved from the menace of these fiends? Will Sir- Tech ever release Wizardry IV? (Umm, scratch that last one)

Whew! That was quite a jaunt, eh? I sure do hope you managed to save the world from a fate worse than death. In the meantime, if you need help with an adventure game, you can reach me in the following ways:

On Delphi: Visit the GameSIG (from the Groups and Clubs menu) On GEnie: Stop in at the Games Roundtable (type Scorpia to reach the RT) On the Source: Send SMail to ST1030. By U.S. Mail (enclose a self-addressed, stamped envelope if you live in the United States): Scorpia, PO Box 338, Gracie Station, New York, NY 10028.

Until next time, happy adventuring!

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